On going development

Well we had a few months of mostly vanilla relationship, except in bed, where we both find our relative roles very naturally come out. But we went through some tough times, I moved into her place, and had no full-time employment, I worked from home although not earning enough to really contribute. We tended to fight our normal vanilla power struggle ways. We are both alpha, and I have come to realise that I am very much alpha, but with deep slavery built in, as it were. Last week she again had me as her slave for a whole week, I was home and she left me chores to do everyday, the apartment, and her shoes and waiting for her by the door with the crop in my mouth and a pair of heels that I had just cleaned. (I have a shoe fetish, so bought her many shoes over the past year) - this was a very uncharacteristically femdom type of action, on her part, but it seems she very much wants this role. In fact what's been holding this back has been me, although I do wish she would use her alure to enslave me, she won't and I have to ask her to be her slave, this i find hard! I have not come to terms with what life as a slave might be like, I fantasize and yearn but the reality is a much harder choice. Anyway we are exploring this more and more.
Here are some things she does that are very sexy and femdomy -

1. When I was defending my cleaning of the kitchen and generally getting defensive she had me bow down and lick the sole of her shoe! (she has never done this for hygiene reasons) wow that was very powerful and symbolic for me.
2. She has me go down on her at the edge of the bed, here she can really dig her heels into my bear legs, she gets more turned on, the more I writhe trying to escape the pain.
3. I get to be a 'fuck puppet' she makes me have sex with her, but I am not allowed to cum, and have to completely forget about myself and totally focus on her. This can be extremely hard to do but I find if I can really drop myself and really put her as the whole focus I can almost forget about whats happening to me.
4. When i have done something worth punishment, she will take me into the bed room have me kneel down with my ass in the air, and kiss her feet as she crops me hard, telling what I did wrong. Each time I have to kiss her foot thanking her for the punishment. We both really like this (although the pain is hard to bear, I am not a pain slut or masochist), but she and I think she should do this harder as a sign of her power and authority.
   

We are in New York and I want her to local group munch thing, she shows little interest in this but perhaps she will come around. This would probably propel my slavery very much.

thanks for reading, please comment if you like!

Denial Milking and Differential

I am completely in love with my Goddess her Highness G, she loves her power over me more and more, every night I stay at her place, when she goes to get ready for bed I have to completely rush around and get everything done, her room tidy, make her bed, carefully fold and put her clothes away that she throws around (now she has come to expect her slave to tidy up after her) after getting her glass of water, I strip and when I hear her leave the bathroom I have to scramble (she says she likes to hear me scramble) to bow down on my knees in a deep bow. She loves her power over me and has almost no inhibitions, except perhaps in causing me too much pain.

last weekend she rode my face with such intensity, I was rubbed raw, I spent most of it desperate for breath (which seemed to turn her on more) I was blown away into deep subspace, but alas she still could not cum like this, perhaps part of the problem is my extreme desire for her to do this as I have said I wanted this from day one, its weird when I resist or don't want something then she can have the freedom to really get into it, otherwise she can't seem to get into it enough.

So I decided to count my blessings that she could only orgasm with me inside her, and she often let me cum or would bring me off with her hand, both of which is so intense, but being brought to by hand is almost more intense than penetration, as i feel totally in her power, she goes at her own rate and I am lost in it. When I cum I go kinda crazy almost animal like, really I become like a wolf, feel extreme intense aggression, not towards anybody or her just like a animalistic desire to tear apart (I am the year of the Dog and have so much in common with Dogs! it kinda makes sense from a wolf/dog type person).

Anyway I digress...so her mum is visiting and we can't see each other as her place is small I am ordered not to touch myself for the week, which is hard, and she has been denying me more and more (although before this she let me cum 3x in one night) but I am very highly sexed and used to release pretty much daily, with occasion 3-4 releases in a night.
So I had a (nother) synchronicity thing happen then: as last night I lay in bed thinking how much I love her power over me, and that I want her to have many orgasms to mine, and then was thinking about the ratio, was 5 to 1 to big for me, it sounds lame (but would probably equate to 2 weeks) then I was thinking really it should be like 100-1 which would be release twice a year or something, totally out of my ballpark, but sounded right for a slave/goddess type relationship.
Then she calls me tonight and says she wants me to be permantly denied until we are married! omg I was in the office and could not answer her, so she carried on and said just like the story I told her recently (I read a story from Elsie Suttons interviews online magazine about a lady who found out her sub was a virgin and she decided to keep him her permenant vigin. Originally she was going to deflower him on their wedding night but the power and thrill was too much so she has decided she will never allow him to enter a her as long as they are together, which means he could well die a virgin!!) so she has given me the command to research milking and present it to her when we next meet. And said she is seriously considering this!! omg that is too much I really don't think I could handle that, we have not talked or gone into chasity devices but I am certain she will get on that train too!! aggg what have I let myself in for.

I love the differential between us which is increasing everytime we meet and its such a thrill to feel and be her's to be owned as her slave. But if she can only cum with me in her and she is planning on permanent denial till we are married ( we have only been going out almost 9 months) it all sounds too extreme, I also don't think she wants a guy who is going to marry her because he has become a Putty Puppy! I am sure she wants me to marry her out of love and adoration, not intense sexual frustration.
A couple more points:
I love to be her slave, I love the 'idea' of extreme denial and her unbound pleasure and delight, but I think a balance is also needed, I am still a boyfriend and we have both agreed we want that (although she said I might become just her slave at some point!!) both ways, in terms of denial and teasing I love that I love to feel in her power but at the same time I don't want to be so highly sexed all the time that I cannot think and use and be my normal rational and creative self.
Although if milking does release the pressure then it could be doable, pleasing her is such a incredible thrill and if I were being milked then it always be about her and I would never be considered! (until we were married) -But I am scared of my life being limited to just sexualness, there is so much more than sex and if I become this total sexed lapdog I feel I will lose other qualities of my personality I have too.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

A Big Step forward

Then while playing around in bed she brought up something that she had said many times before. She wanted to feel like she has conquered me sexually as it all felt too easy for her, as I just submitted to her and she just took what she wanted, but she wanted to feel like I would resist her and she overpowered and dominated me. This went against my whole makeup which was of I want to submit, my submission was a gift, and that she 'should' enjoy that!?

Until this point all sex was completely directed by her, I was her complete sex puppet, her sex toy, a living breathing human sex slave! do this, lick here, down there, and she completely uses me for her pleasure, I am ignored in terms of my needs, we kiss and I kiss and worship her, but it is completely about her pleasure and never about mine, so far like this she has trouble having a orgasm with oral worship, and needs full penetration (now more often than not with my complete denial).
But this had not really satisfied her and she wanted more she wanted to really conquer and devour the beast!

So then we tried something different, we tried none-consensual sex slavery!! - which of course was a contradiction and seemed silly, I was totally submissive to her, I wanted to completely focus on her and be her total slave, and just melt into her needs and desires. But now what was required of me was even more submissive as I had to resist being submissive sexually to her, I had to give up my submission and push against her, I had to not want it, and then we would see if she could conquer me. So I resisted, it felt weird pushing against her, and saying 'no' , 'get off me', 'you can't do this to me' and struggling with her, we half wrestled, now I am much stronger than her, but I could go into a state where I could not overpower her. It was not natural for me, and felt weird but I was tapping into something inside myself that I later realized was my egoic resistance to her power. For her part she transformed, rather than just directing me she became emblazoned, afire with power and the goddess riding and conquering the beast, she rode me, slapped me, bit my chest and nipples, scratched me, really dug her heels into my legs, and kept calling me slave, and 'I own you' or 'who owns you' - she was on fire and I could tell she was having a wild time. We both did not cum, it was super intense but she did not reach full orgasm, but it was a transformational experience for us both. We were very close after and talked intimately- we both felt like I was her prey, her victim and she was the tyrant, the abuser, we knew we were tapping into deep things in the human psyche and neither of us completely understood why the experience was so intense and so good. But we, well she realised that much of my resistance outside the bedroom could be brought into it and that it would help bring these 2 sides together, and a new level of transparency between us could be reached. I now had permission to express if I didn't feel like a slave or being submissive outside the bedroom, and then she has the choice in how to deal with that, if she wanted conquer me, and take charge more.

What seems to have happened is we are more in love, close and loving, more transparent, and the differential has really increased, now she looks at me differently, not just as something to boss around but something she wants to take, and own, and control, something that might resist her. I feel so different its amazing, after we finished I felt less submissive to her, more like I was more me, but when she commanded me, she was really my boss in a deeper way, before I often just didn't feel submissive, I didn't feel like she was the boss, or that what I was doing for her, I really didn't have to do, I just felt like i was cleaning or washing etc but not at all as a sub.


Now it feels we are rubbing up against each other in a way, now I have permission to be completely open about how I feel in terms of my submission or not. So far I am jumping to the snap of her fingers and every word, and feel much more like she owns me, more importantly I feel that she really wants to own, possess, control, and completely enslave me. Bare in mind 8 months ago this was a semi regular vanilla relationship, and now she wants to own me, perhaps getting to the point where its more than I want to be owned. But I have never felt happier, we both really want my complete slavery to her, and want to live together in a home where I can be her attendant slave.

Some experiences to share

I think my girlfriend, who is really losing that title by the day is so much more into this lifestyle on some levels than I am, I feel my energy is starting this off but I am pretty sure she will carry it further than I could anticipate. We were driving in the car talking about my slavery to her, which is a very normal conversation for us these days and she said that it might get to the point where I am just a it (aka Ingrid Bellemare blog - male-slave blog ) a slave with no rights, she was serious, whenever I offer to be more boyfriend like, or more vanilla and normal she really desists, saying she wants me attending to her as a slave, it can scare me how much she has taken to this, of course we all know the phase 'be careful what you wish for' and I was perfectly aware of this before enticing her into the world of female domination, but it seems to be really coming true, in more and more ways.

It is now normal for me to clean up, do breakfast, wash, make her tea, keep her clothes just as she likes them, start her car. Everytime she finds a way for me to do work for her she does, as is her right as my Goddess. One thing we have difference on is public forms, I really want a completely vanilla public apperance, she is less concerned about that, although she does understand my need for a certain normal public expression, but it is where we often have disagreements, I don't think she realises the stigma assosiated with a woman being so aloof, unhelpful and bossy as percieved in the public eye. One thing she often does if there are lots of bags to carry I carry them all and she expects me to open doors and completely put her first when I am often struggling to carry everything, I of course love this but I really get embarassed about this in public.
One bag had a crop sticking out with a plastic bag over it, the bag had half come off so anyone close enough could see it was a crop, we were walking through very crowded places, when we got back she laughed and was amused I was frustrated and a little upset.

We have been living together temporaily for the past couple weeks, and I found it more challenging than her, as I deeply felt I had lost my freedom. We had a arguement (are arguments are all femdom free currently) and didn't talk for a day, after we talked we agreed on most aspects and it really being about power, and my having trouble with losing it. Also it had come up that I didn't feel submissive or that she was particularily dominant with me, but we made up and slowly resumed femdom. I think on a deeper level we needed to go further and deeper and this is what happened next...

On Blogs and stories

You know one thing I find incredibly frustrating is that their are a million female domination true stories of people's personal experiences and most never told. That is why I am sharing this because I feel that we (My goddess and me are in one of these amazing stories now) Blogs can be used for self aggrandizement, but also to convey inspiring experiences that can be a joy to read. One of my favorites was called oral worship before it got hacked, and just hearing about a woman's perspective on her man orally worshiping her was totally incredible, admittedly very arousing but also great for sharing ideas and to really help me want that type of relationship more than anything.

Introduction to my blog

Welcome to my blog which will be kept as a record of my learning to be the Slave of Her Highness Goddess R

Hello,
I am starting this blog to keep an account of my relationship with my girlfriend, Her Highness Goddess R. Since last weekend (01/17/09 - 3 days before the inauguration) we have established a firm power exchange based on complete loving female domination.

Since we started dating from June 2008 I was completely open with Her Highness about my desires to be her submissive knight - this was my way of refraining it, she openly admitted wanting to be treated like a queen and to be worshiped, but unlike with previous attempts with vanilla woman this proved to be true. we talked a lot about this and our sex life very quickly grew to be completely focused on her pleasure, though at that time she could only orgasm with full penetration, she would still allow me to cum nearly every time after she did.
As we progressed we talked more and more about having a goddess and slave relationship.
I could not believe my luck with her, she was very sweet, sexy and even though at this time she liked me to take charge and be the man at times, when I was at her feet in submission she reveled in the adoration.
Her Highness was very open and encouraging about this. I was still very much her boyfriend and femdom was primarily limited to the bedroom although little flurries of activity went on outside. for instance she would have me make her breakfast when she came to visit me, and give me little commands like 'get me water' or 'you will be massaging my feet before bed'

What I loved about Her Highness was her complete love, adoration and vulnerability towards me, when we hugged we could not get close enough to each other, we felt this overwhelming intense love for each other, we had very little pretense during the dating 'season' it was a complete me adoring and wanting to worship her, and Her Highness wanting the same, played no games or acting cool, it was a complete innocent abandon into each other. but at the same time culturally we were completely different from each other, we did everything differently and always had problems when we were outside and interacting with the world, as we each saw things in very different ways.

We especially had a very difficult time over the Christmas holidays as the extra tension with family and not seeing each other so often put a lot of pressure on our relationship, so much so that I was beginning to really think we might not make it, and consider the possibility of really breaking up, we had only been together 6 months but the idea of ending was really really hard for both of us.

This came to a head on inauguration weekend, where we had got to the point of bickering about every little thing and we were both absolutely desperate to find a way through the impasse.

The next few entries account for our development from mainly boyfriend/girlfriend to much more queen/slave type relationship.